1.) When i was 4 years old a stole a Superman toy and a Power Rangers toy from my babysitter Cindy. There was no point to it either because shortly after i lost the Superman toy outside and i lost interest in the Power Rangers one. Sorry Cindy… and tell your monkeys i said, “Hi.” P.S.: For those of you who don’t know, my old babysitter Cindy has two monkeys now; its awesome!
2.) I cheated on almost all of my tests in the 3rd grade… i’m sorry Mrs.Whitmore, but i had no idea what you were teaching us!
3.) I have never seen most of the old mob/gang/drug dealer movies that are now regarded as classics… but use most of their famous lines like, ” You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding…,” just to get a laugh some times from others. And when i say, ” Say hello to my little friend,” and then proceed with what i call an imitation of me shooting a high powered machine gun, and then someone else proceeds in asking me something like, “And do you remember the other part in Scarface where he blah blah blah bla bla blah,” instead of me just admitting that i haven’t seen it; I’ll go, “Yeah… that was the best and… stuff!!?!?!?”
4.) Sometimes if I am afraid of the dark for some reason, whether it was a scary movie i just watched or my mind deciding to go a-wall, i will turn down all the sound on my TV and use the picture as a night light. Mainly because i don’t have a blankey or teddy bear to snuggley wuggley withy-poo! (Do i ever think about what i write before i write it… geez!)
5.) My friend Max is gonna LOVE this!!! But I farted almost every day in almost every one of my classes through out all of high school!!! I just got so good at it that people didn’t notice most of the time. I was always like, “I’m just going across the room to get a tissue… don’t mind me!” And then i would get up and proceed with delivering silent death amongst the whole room! They never saw it coming! And if it was a fart on a colossus scale, people would be like, “OH MY GOD, WHO THE FUCK FARTED? IT SMELLS LIKE SOMETHING WENT IN A TRASH CAN, DIED, WAS TAKEN TO A DUMP, DROPPED OFF, EATEN UP BY A GIANT, SHAT BACK OUT AGAIN NOW IN THE FORM OF EXPLOSIVE AND MIGHTY TURDS AND THEN LEFT TO ROT IN ANOTHER DUMP JUST OUTSIDE OF DETROIT!” They never suspected it to be me… they always blamed it on the nerdy fat kid who sat at the opposite side of the class as to where the fart originated from. So sorry to every one i almost sent to the hospital… I’m just and extremely gassy person.
Do you think that turkeys know that they all get killed around the same time of the year?
Has the message ever passed down through the heritage of the turkey culture? Like if the father turkey sat down one day to tell his turkey son, ” Son, you can be as disrespectful and inconsiderate as you want. You can yell and call mama turkey a whore… but by the time you start to realize what a good turkey family you have; what a good turkey home you live in; what good turkey clothes are on your back… you’ll come to tell me and your whore mama turkey that your sorry and you didn’t mean to be such a disrespecting asshole and how you love us so dearly. Just as you finally come to your senses, you’ll come bursting in to find that your turkey father and whore of a turkey mother are not in their turkey room. You will be destroyed, lost; like all hope is gone! Then your vengeful search for your turkey parents will continue… you will find yourself walking past a weis or giant food store one day. And when you look at the glass you will be consumed in pain and sorrow even more as you will see a picture on a sticker. And on that sticker will be your poor father turkey and the turkey whore. Turkey son… your daddy and whore will be dead… dead, gone and on a platter that is lost forever in the pits of heaven. You’ll either say good riddance or go into a spiraling and crippling depression son! And no matter what your reaction is son, i’ll know that i died a happy man… a happy turkey man. And do you know why i would of died happy son… do ya? Its because the last thought i had that made me content as they plucked me dry was…
At least that little bastard turkey son of mine will be next!
Do Turkeys train and prepare themselves their entire lives to be served with a side of yams?
Ya think that turkeys would of caught on by now that they don’t get to live too long after the month of November. That once those leaves start-a-fallin that they will too.
That leaves me to believe that turkeys were the first animals to train themselves to die. That means that turkeys are the terrorists of the animal world, accept for the fact that their death doesn’t kill anyone else but themselves. With this belief of mine… i also have to conclude that it is part of the turkey’s religion to die, they want it to happen.
There for.. since i am against nobody or anything’s beliefs, i say that it is important to honor the turkey’s religion by killing them every November and eating them because they taste so damn good with a side of gravy!
Happy Turkey Day World… Happy Turkey Day Indeed!
I like animal cracker… yes that is right i said it; i like animal crackers and there is nothing you can do about it! I’m sorry that i had to be the edgy one to finally come out and say it… but it is an issue that can’t be ignored! It is just as important as the war in other countries or health care or the economy or hurricanes or even your girlfriend’s bra size. I know some people like frosted, some like plain and some would even go as far as to state that they like chocolate animal crackers… well i say that it doesn’t matter! We should all like every kind of animal cracker equally. Even if you don’t have a stance on the animal cracker issue, that doesn’t mean that you should hate them all together.
I say that we should band together, as one, and fight to make the world a better place. One! Where it doesn’t matter what animal crackers you like. A world where animal crackers can run free and frolic in icing covered fields and swim in streams of milk; 1% or whole, thats up to you! A world where we aren’t constantly shadowed by the smugness of Animal Cracker Hating Douche Bags! Where we can express our feelings, say what we mean and rise up to live another day in a society that sees animal crackers as an everyday norm!
I’m telling you this to inspire you, guide you, to light a steaming fire under your ass to get you the hell up on your feet and fight for what is right and just and true! So you can run out into the world and shout what is on your mind and be content with what you said…
I tell you this because I Believe In Animal Crackers…
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?